When New Years Resolutions won’t work, Self-Compassion will
New years resolutions are full of optimism, determination, and good intentions. But, as you probably know from your own experience, they often don’t work. We might start off hitting the gas hard and feel jubilant as we witness a solid week, or month, of a new habit only to have it peter off before February, leaving us feeling deflated and disempowered. For most of us, new years resolutions often stay in our minds and don’t even begin to turn into practiced, new behavior. By the second week of January, we are back to the grind and the doldrums with our lofty aspirations gathering dust in our notebooks.
Here’s my two cents on why New Years Resolutions often fail, and how self-compassion skills can help you reach your goals.
Why New Years Resolutions Fail
1. We aim for too much, too soon
New Years Resolutions often are too big. Maybe we say “this year I’m going to travel”, or “this year I’m going to make a documentary film”, or “this year I’m going to get fit” or “this year I’m going to overcome my childhood trauma.” The levity of New Years Resolutions are in the right direction, but when we set our expectations too high, too vast, and too vague, they won’t result in real or lasting change.
When we want to change, we have to check our unrealistic and lofty expectations of ourselves. Being realistic with ourselves can be hard because often we don’t want to admit that we can only start where we are. We want to be somewhere else, further along in our journey. It’s important to start with small, realistically achievably and actionable steps in order to build up trust and belief in ourselves, positive momentum, and behaviors that become habits rather than stabs in the dark.
2. We aren’t kind to ourselves
Often New Years Resolutions come from good-intentions and self-critical ones, woven together indistinguishably. Buddhist meditation teacher Bob Sharples calls this, “The subtle aggression of self-improvement.” When we try to change from a place of self-criticism or self-hate, it often doesn’t work because shaming ourselves makes us feel small and defective, and we need to have some authentic buoyancy in order to do the hard work that change requires.
Think of a coach for sports or music: we all want a coach who will push us to reach our potential, but through encouragement rather than bullying and harassment. Most people think self-kindness means resignation to the status quo, but self-compassion in practice does the opposite: it helps us reach our goals and sustain them, and helps us persevere when we fail or subtle rather than give up completely. The research (and common sense) shows that self-compassion is a more effective motivator than self-criticism.
3. We aren’t accountable to anyone
When we are trying to change all on our own, we don’t have anyone or anything to be accountable to so our best efforts fall flat. We can’t make significant changes on our own. Having a friend, therapist or even an app or tracker to keep yourself accountable will often lead to more lasting change, and efforts being translated into outcomes.
Accountability can be hard because it requires us to confront our imperfections. Self-compassion can assuage the sting that comes with confronting our limitations, and it can give us the courage to keep trying. Self-compassion fuels accountability, and we need to be accountable to ourselves and others in order to change.
It takes a village: our self-compassion groups have a built in accountability structure as peers and facilitators are there to help guide you toward the changes you desire.
4. We are motivated by shoulds
New Years Resolutions often aim after things we think we should do, but which aren’t in line with our true desires and values. A lot of New Years Resolutions are put in our mind by industries that profit from our self-loathing: the beauty industry tells us we need to have perfect skin and look like teenagers, the fashion industry tells us we need to lose weight, the self-help industry tells us we should be self-actualizing and not struggling, etc.
We won’t keep up the effort required for change if what we are trying to change is something that, deep down, isn’t what we really want. Going after our true desires and values sounds easier than it actually is. It takes courage to uncover our authentic desires and values because this requires us to go within (which can be scary!), be honest with ourselves (which can be uncomfortable), and a willingness to confront that what we most value and desire might not conform to the status quo. Self-compassion gives us the courage to be honest with ourselves and to live a life in line with our true values and desires.
If you are interested in experiencing for yourself how self-compassion can help you reach new heights, register for our Mindful Self-Compassion program now, starting January 2022!