The Low Down on Low Desire
Loss of libido is the number one reason that folks seek out sex therapy. As we approach two years into a global pandemic, and the darkest days of the year, our sense of vitality and confidence are dimming and with that, our libido as well. Sexual desire can wane for completely normal and reasonable reasons — the winter blues, pandemic stress, the demands of work, physical illness or injury, fatigue, disconnection or imbalance in our relationship — but despite this most people feel like something is wrong with them for not wanting to have sex irrelevant of the conditions of their lives. Do you want to go to a party when you are burned out, world-weary and cranky? Sex at its best is like a party in many ways — and most of us don’t want to go to the party when we’re feeling blah.
Low libido can carry a sense of shame with it – and there’s many reasons for this. Most of us in this society treat sexuality different than any other aspect of our humanity — sexuality is treated as something separate, that we either fetishize or demonize; as a result, when our sexual desire naturally wanes in accordance with other life challenges, we still expect our libido to remain untouched, when really sexual desire is inextricably linked from the ups and downs in the rest of our lives.
Our sexual desire naturally wanes in proportion to A) stress in our own lives or in our relationship and B) physical & mental health issues. Despite this, we can still feel like if I were normal, I would still want sex despite everything. This is based on the fundamental misconception that sex is like hunger, a biological drive, when sex is actually linked to motivation, and incentives. To refer back to the ‘party’ metaphor used above: we aren’t going to want to go to the party if we feel off; but we also won’t want to go to the party if it’s not a party worth going to. We also won’t want to go to the party if the party has never been fun; maybe we’ve only ever felt embarrassed and awkward at parties, or maybe parties have been linked to trauma, violation, or pain (physical or emotional). In that case, the party has never been a party. If the party has never been fun, we won’t want to go.
Low libido treatment has historically followed a ‘just do it’ approach: nudge yourself to go to the party and once you are there you will enjoy the food, the good company, and the music. Though there is some wisdom to this, it can also backfire. That’s because if we keep encouraging people to do things they don’t really want to do, it’s going to create dread as opposed to excited anticipation. Moreover, if the party has never been a party (due to experiences of trauma, pain, etc.) then encouraging people to ‘just do it’ can exacerbate shame, anxiety and other symptoms of distress.
Treatment of low libido begins with addressing the reasonable reasons you are not wanting to have sex, and there are always reasonable reasons that are taken for granted. Working with a therapist can help you unpack these reasons, develop more understanding toward yourself, and eventually start problem solving around those barriers.
Loss of libido treatment also involves learning self-compassion and mindfulness to counter the shame around low-libido, and/or sexuality in general. Our Mindful Self-Compassion programs are very effective in lowering shame and anxiety around sex and relationships. A lack of libido, alas, might also mean that you are not having sex worth wanting.
Once the reasons for low-libido, and the shame around it, have been sufficiently addressed in therapy, we will guide you to learn how to start creating sex worth wanting. To this end, we offer the Optimal Sexual Experiences group, specifically designed to teach individuals and couples how to optimize their erotic potential, revive their desire, resolve stressful desire discrepancies, and have sex that is nothing less than extraordinary.
Contact us to learn about these different stages of treatment for low libido and how to begin revitalizing your sex life. As you work on your sex life, the rest of your life may bloom.